The Grantville Gazette Volumn VI Page 19

  "Please. I've already arranged for a couple of the machinists to live in while we're away, but she'll feel more secure knowing you're just across the road."

  * * *

  Jena, ten days later

  Tracy looked across the table to Danielle and Steve Kowach. "It's as if they don't want our money. As soon as I say I want someone to make baking powder for cooking they get all uptight and condescending. Their holier than you 'I am an Alchemist, not a cook' line is really getting to me. Have you two had any better luck?"

  Danielle shook her head and looked at her husband, who shook his head in negation. "We've been getting the same story. 'Alchemists are not cooks. Please go away and stop bothering me. My work is important.'" She mimicked the condescending attitude that Tracy had become familiar with so accurately that Tracy started to giggle.

  "Here comes Ted. I wonder if he's had any luck. Ted, you make any progress?" Steve asked as Tracy's husband took a seat.

  "Well, I've ordered a heap of canvas. A few hundred yards of cord of varying diameter, and some oils for waterproof—ouch!" Ted grabbed Tracy's hands to stop her pummelling him.

  "Edward Robert Justinian Kubiak, you know that's not what Steve meant." Tracy said, struggling to pull her hands from Ted's grip.

  "Has anybody ever told you you're beautiful when you're riled?" Ted asked, a smile in his eyes. They both fell silent as their eyes locked.

  "Hey, you two. None of that in public. So Ted, have you found us an alchemist?"

  Ted broke eye contact with Tracy and turned to Danielle. "First thing I learnt is, we don't want an alchemist."

  "What?" Danielle and Tracy asked in unison. "Of course we do," Danielle continued. Tracy nodded in agreement.

  "That's where you're wrong. No." Ted held up his hands to silence their protests. "No alchemist will lower themselves to do what you are asking. What you need . . ." he paused dramatically, "is a technician. Some suitably trained plodder who can follow directions without making any spontaneous additions just to see what happens."

  "And how do we find this suitably trained plodder?" Tracy asked.

  Ted theatrically drew a piece of paper from a pocket. "By pure chance I have here the directions to one Phillip Theophrastus Gribbleflotz, late of the school at Fugger. Apparently he lacks the proper scholastic and academic attitude to be an alchemist, but in some quarters he is a highly regarded technician."

  "What's the significance of the school at Fugger?" Seeing Ted's blank look Danielle hurried on. "Never mind. He has to be better than those supercilious morons from the university."

  "I wouldn't bet on that, Danielle. Apparently he styles himself as Herr Doctor Phillip Theophrastus Gribbleflotz. His clientele humor him. He's good at what he does, and it's a fairly harmless conceit. But it does mean you might have trouble getting him to make your baking soda."

  "Will money talk?" asked Tracy.

  "Ah, the Evil West Coast businesswoman strikes. Yep. My informant indicates that the good Dr. Phil has a massive ego, only eclipsed by his vanity. His major expenses are his continuing experiments and fancy clothes. Currently he is 'between jobs,' and the quarter's rent on his laboratory is due shortly. The perfect mark for what you want."

  Tracy smirked back at her husband, and rubbed her hands together in anticipation. If he was desperate, then he couldn't afford to knock them back. He would probably offer token resistance as a matter of pride, but to Tracy's mind, they already had him in the palms of their hands. It was always better to negotiate from a position of strength.

  * * *

  Jena, later that same day

  "Let me see if I understand, Frau. You wish me, Herr Doctor Phillip Theophrastus Gribbleflotz, Great Grandson of the Great Paracelsus, to make this 'baking powder.'" At Tracy's nod, he continued. "I. I am not a cook. I, do not follow a recipe. I, am an Alchemist. A Great Alchemist. A Great Alchemist does not make funny white powder so people can bake biscuits." It came out stilted, growing in volume as he spoke, until he was almost roaring.

  It was a strategic cough from Ted that drew Phillip's fire from Tracy. The six-foot, two hundred plus pound frame of Ted towered above Phillip's thin, short frame. With his pronounced Adam's apple bobbing, Phillip swallowed his words and turned his attention back to Tracy.

  "But you could make the powder if you wanted to couldn't you, Herr Doctor?"

  Phillip flashed his eyes over the recipe again, then looked back at Tracy. "Of course. Any marginally competent student of alchemy could easily make this 'baking soda.' The 'baking powder' . . . a little time in the laboratory, and that too can be made."

  "Well, can you at least help us find someone to make it?"

  "I am not a procurer. If you wish someone to make this baking powder you must find them yourself. Now, please. I wish to get back to real work. Do not bother me with 'cooking.'"

  "Herr Doctor Gribbleflotz, we can pay, and pay well for this baking soda. Won't you please reconsider?"

  Phillip looked at Tracy over the lenses of his spectacles, the watery eyes staring. "No. No amount of money can compensate for the distraction from real science." He turned away and started to take his leave.

  "What about a couple of sets of clothes? Tailored to fit. With pockets, zippers, and buttons. In the fabric of your choice." Tracy was almost desperate.

  Phillip stopped midstride and turned to look at Tracy. Then Ted. His eyes traveled up and down Ted, examining the denim trousers, linen shirt and leather jacket. "I want shoes like yours, Frau. With the elevated heel."

  "Yes, even shoes with elevated heels."

  Smiling at Tracy's complete capitulation Phillip returned to the seat across the table from her. "Give me another look at that recipe. I believe we can talk business."

  * * *

  Herr Doctor Phillip Theophrastus Gribbleflotz watched the American man and woman walk away. He ran his fingers through his goatee beard as he looked into the distance, seeing himself in his new clothes. A fine figure of a man, commanding, dignified. The target of envy from less fortunate beings. Drawing his attention back into his rooms, he looked about his shabby quarters and laboratory. Maybe, if the Americans were as good as their words, he could move into accommodations more befitting Herr Doctor Phillip Theophrastus Gribbleflotz, the World's Greatest Alchemist. With the funds they promised he could employ laborants to do the dull repetitive tasks. Yes. If the Americans came through he could purchase some of that new glassware Herr Geissler was making after his visit to Grantville. With the areas of investigation the new glassware opened, soon those narrow-minded imbeciles of the university would kneel before Herr Doctor Phillip Theophrastus Gribbleflotz, the World's Greatest Alchemist, begging him to accept one of their diplomas. Begging him to join the staff of their university. One day . . .

  * * *

  Sunday lunch, Tracy and Ted's place

  "Well?" Tasha asked significantly, staring inquiringly at her cousin by marriage. "Did you find us an alchemist to make baking soda?"

  Holding her mug in both hands Tracy took a sip of tea before looking over the lip of the mug at the expectant faces surrounding her. "No." She paused, teasing them. The quiet groans of disappointment were interrupted by Danielle breaking into a fit of the giggles. "We found someone better." With that Danielle started to roar with laughter. Tracy limited herself to a broad smile as she, too, tried to imagine Herr Doctor Phillip Theophrastus Gribbleflotz as being "someone better." "The guy is a bit of a pompous ass. But at least he is willing to make our baking soda."

  "When can he have it ready?" asked Mary Rose.

  "At the moment he's only making a test sample. He said he needs at least a week for the urine to properly mature so as to produce the best spirits of hartshorn."

  "Gross." Erin shook her head in disgust. "What are spirits of hartshorn?"

  "Ammonia. Spirits of hartshorn is what it's called here and now. And quite frankly, I think it will be less trouble if we learn to use whatever names Herr Doctor Phillip Theophrastus Gribbleflotz wants t
o use."

  Belle's forehead creased. "Hang on. He's a doctor? But you said you couldn't find an alchemist."

  "He's not an alchemist. For that matter, Ted and I are pretty sure he's not even a doctor. At least not from any reputable university. Anyway, he said he could deliver a couple of pounds in about two weeks' time."

  * * *

  Two weeks later, Sunday lunch at Belle's

  "Now for the big test. Everybody take a bite and let's see what we think." Belle passed a plate of steaming biscuits around the table.

  "Mmmm, nice. Different from baking powder biscuits, but still very good," Tasha volunteered. The other women nodded and agreed that the biscuits were good.

  Tracy looked over her friends, "So we are agreed that Dr. Phil . . ."

  "Dr. Phil?" Belle's raised eyebrows were duplicated by the rest of the girls.

  "That's just Ted's name for Herr Doctor Phillip Theophrastus Gribbleflotz," Tracy replied.

  "I thought he claimed he never watched Oprah?"

  Tracy smiled at Belle. Ted had often made that claim. However, it seemed he had been a little economical with the truth. "Anyway, are we agreed that we should look at getting Dr. Phil making lots of baking soda?" At the nods of agreement, Tracy continued. "Then we have to think about raising capital. I've made enquiries. Dr. Phil will need to rent new facilities, buy additional hardware and supplies. He will also need to employ some people he can teach to do the work. We will also need to supply someone to manage everything when Dr. Phil loses interest and goes back to his pet projects. I'm thinking that if all the family can contribute maybe a thousand dollars per household to the project we can raise at least twenty thousand dollars. That should be enough to get him started, and running for at least three months."

  "Hang on, Tracy. What are we going to get for our investment?" Mary Rose frowned. "A thousand dollars is a bit steep for a few pounds of baking soda." The other ladies looked at Tracy, nodding agreement.

  "I'm suggesting that we set up a manufacturing company with Dr. Phil as the head or consulting chemist. He gets paid a retainer, a share of any profits, and access to the company's supply of chemicals and facilities for his experiments. In exchange, he is responsible for ensuring the processes work, the staff he trains are capable of doing the work they are paid for, and," Tracy paused dramatically, "the company owns anything he develops on company time, or using company facilities or chemicals."

  "Nasty." Belle licked her lips in anticipation. "Can you enforce that last condition?"

  "Herr Hardegg of the legal firm of Hardegg, Selfisch, and Krapp seems to think so. He doesn't expect any problems dealing with Dr. Phil. He did, however, suggest that Dr. Phil have a large share of the company. Something like fifty percent. Although he did agree that forty-nine percent would do."

  "Are you saying your Dr. Phil is worth twenty thousand dollars, Tracy?" Erin asked.

  "I think so. Certainly there's nobody else offering to make baking soda. You do realize that there is a potentially big market out there, and whoever gets in first could dominate the market? I just think we should get in first."

  "That recipe Amy got. You think someone else could get one?" a thoughtful Tasha asked.

  "Yes," replied Tracy. "And there are plenty of bright people in Grantville capable of following the recipe. However, if we get in fast we can lock in a lot of the local suppliers of urine. That's where some of the start-up capital will go. We also need an ice-making machine. Something that will work in Jena."

  Mary Rose blushed. "If we lock in the local suppliers of urine? Hold it. How do we do that? Who are the local suppliers of urine?"

  Tracy grinned. "Ted claims that the various drinking houses produce buckets full every day. Currently a lot of it is being dumped via the sewage system. He reckons he and a couple of the cousins can modify the urinals so that the urine is diverted into some barrels rather than the sewer. If we offer to make the modification at no cost in return for the urine, he thinks we could lock in most of the taverns. They'll save on the toilet tax since they won't be pumping so much into the sewerage system."

  "Those years with O'Keefe's are good for something then," Belle commented with a grin.

  "Don't forget the papers in waste engineering Ted's done at college. But yes, he's happy to be able to make a useful contribution to this project."

  * * *

  Jena, the shop floor of Kubiak Country Laboratories (Jena): A few weeks later

  Herr Doctor Phillip Theophrastus Gribbleflotz passed his eyes over the hard-working young urchins he had recruited as laborants to make the "baking soda" for the American women. He smiled to himself as he remembered his victory over naming of the product. Who would want to be known as the man who makes "baking soda?" Sal Aer Fixus, now there was a product to be proud of. Any alchemist worth the title would immediately respect the abilities of the man who can produce Sal Aer Fixus. Baking soda was for cooks.

  "Hans." His high-pitched squeal penetrated the noise of the laboratory. "Did I tell you to stop grinding the ice maker?" All eyes turned to Hans, who had hastily returned to grinding the icemaker.

  Phillip walked up and down the production line checking on his workers. For a pack of illiterate street refuse, they had taken to the work well. Most of them didn't understand what they were doing, but they were all capable of following his clear and concise instructions. At the ringing of a bell, everybody concentrated on finishing the current batch. As the batch passed from station to station, the youths cleaned down their work stations before helping other workers clean up. Soon, the batch was finished and ready for packaging in the fancy new paper bags the Grantville ladies had supplied. Waving his workers off to the noon meal, Phillip ran a finger over the image printed on some of the bags. A woodcut portrait with "Gribbleflotz's Sal Aer Fixus" written around the border. The image was very good, if he did say so himself. The artist had managed to catch his true essence. He appeared suitably regal and dignified. On the back of the bag there was more printing. There was a list of several uses for Gribbleflotz's Sal Aer Fixus, including a recipe for the America culinary atrocity they called "biscuits."

  He gave the workroom one last sweep with his eyes. What he saw filled him with pleasure. The workroom and his personal laboratory had been fitted out to his specifications, with a few suggestions from the Americans, at considerable expense. The Americans themselves had come in and done much of the work setting up the laboratories. They now boasted "fume cupboards," something that was especially valuable when dealing with fermented urine and spirits of hartsthorn, and easy to drain hot and cold baths. There was even running water. Just as long as the tanks were kept topped up.

  Passing into the dining room, Phillip waved the laborants back to the important task of eating. He well remembered the times when he had lacked sufficient to eat, and had insisted to the Grantville ladies that the laborants should eat as well as he and Frau Mittelhausen. His eye caught on a couple of the laborants. They were some of his best workers, in spite of being female. If they caused any trouble it would be up to Frau Mittelhausen to deal with it. After all, that was what she was paid to do.

  He walked into his study. A cloth-covered tray sat on the table where he wrote up his research and did his accounts. Not that he had to do many accounts since the ladies from Grantville had encouraged him to join them in a company. Frau Mittelhausen did all that, and ran the household. All he had to do was ensure the baking soda was prepared according to the formula, and that sufficient quantity was being made. He relaxed in his chair before removing the cloth covering his lunch. The steam rising from his simple meal reminded Phillip of the meals he had been eating only a few weeks ago. Those meals had been anything he could buy cheaply and eat quickly before returning to his laboratory where he did assays and other work to finance his research.

  He had recently started training a couple of the better laborants to do the assays. Soon he would be able to leave them to conduct the rote aspects of the assay work while he concentrated on
more important things. Meanwhile, he was receiving a good income from the company just for supervising its production of Sal Aer Fixus. He smiled, remembering the contract the Grantville Ladies had had him sign. He received a salary, and a share of any profits. All without having to pay a Pfenning towards the costs of the wretched baking soda.

  Dr. Phil's Amazing Lightning Crystal

  by Kerryn Offord

  Jena, Freedom Arches

  Tasha Kubiak tried to tune out the pompous ass who was still pontificating. Somehow both Tracy Kubiak and Danielle Kowach, the two other members of the Kubiak Country partnership who could speak competent German, had managed to be needed elsewhere when this trip had come up. It was now two weeks since Dr. Gribleflotz had commenced deliveries of Gribbleflotz Sal Aer Fixus, also known as baking soda. But there had been no word from the good doctor about when he would commence production of baking powder. Someone had to travel to Jena to find out what the hold up was and do whatever it took to get Dr. Gribbleflotz making baking powder. Tasha had hoped her boss, Sebastian Mora of Mora's Café, would refuse to give her the time off to travel to Jena. However, as soon as Sebastian had heard she was going to ask about baking powder, he had all but packed her bags for her.

  So here she sat, letting the drone issuing from the good doctor pass over her head. Growing restless while she waited for Dr. Gribbleflotz to finish, Tasha tried to relax. It wouldn't do to aggravate the good doctor by interrupting. In an effort to give her restless hands something to do she reached for her purse. Well drilled hands felt inside for the cigarettes and lighter. Still looking attentively at Dr. Gribbleflotz, Tasha expertly felt for a cigarette. There were only a few left. Did she really need the comfort a precious cigarette would offer? Yes.

  It was the action of a moment to remove a cigarette and place it in her mouth. For a brief moment, just the time it took to put the flame to the end of the cigarette and to inhale that first blissful lungful of nicotine laden smoke, she took her eyes off the doctor.